MR PRINGLE ( A short radio piece of comedy).

Picture: Norman Rockwell

(INT job agent reception)

fx Sound: main door opening, sound of outside traffic in the city. Door closes.

RECEPTIONIST

Good morning sir. Can I help you?

MR PRINGLE

Oh... good morning Miss. I'm coming for a job interview... I saw your advert in the newspaper.

RECEPTIONIST

Fantastic. You've come to the right place. We've had plenty of offers. I'm sure you'll be happy in the end. May I ask you your name?

MR PRINGLE

Pringle. Abelard Pringle.

RECEPTIONIST

Abelard? (gasps) Lovely... Erm... Right Mr Pringle, you can enter that door on the left and speak with Mr Jones, our manager.

MR PRINGLE

Thank you miss. You are very kind.

fx Sound: steps. knocking the door

MR JONES (off in the office)

Come in!

fx sound: door opening and close

SCENE: 2

(int mr jones office)

MR JONES (warm)

Good morning sir.

MR PRINGLE

Good morning sir... Are you Mr Jones?

MR JONES

I am indeed. And you? Who have I the pleasure of speaking to?

MR PRINGLE

Mr Pringle. Abelard Pringle.

MR JONES

Abelard?!

MR PRINGLE

Yes. Abelard Pringle at your service.

MR JONES

Interesting... Have a seat please.

fx sound: Chair scratching on the floor

MR PRINGLE

Oh thank you very much, Mr Jones... Nice furniture.

MR JONES

Indeed... So... What brought you here?

MR PRINGLE

The bus. You know petrol is so expensive these days.

MR JONES

Excuse me?

MR PRINGLE

Oh sorry... (Jumbled) A job... I mean... I saw your advert in the newspaper.

MR JONES

Wonderful... Of course... Let me tell you we've been a family of job agents since Napoleon lost the war (laughs).

MR PRINGLE

Did he? Oh he must be devastated. It must be very sad for him to lose his job.

MR JONES (incredulous)

Well, in fact there was really a war. I meant Napoleon Bonaparte.

MR PRINGLE

Apart? Apart from what?

MR JONES

Bonaparte is french...

MR PRINGLE

Sorry Mr Jones... that sounds a bit racist to me.

MR JONES

What?!

MR PRINGLE

You can't say that about the man just because he's french...

MR JONES

I didn't...

MR PRINGLE

You just said... Apart from he's french.

MR JONES

Oh no, no Sir... It was a joke... I think we have a misunderstanding here.

MR PRINGLE

Oh I see.

MR JONES

I'm sorry. Tell you what... How about we talk about the jobs.

MR PRINGLE

Sure Mr Jones. But I will keep an eye on you.

MR JONES

Erm... well... I apologize for myself.

MR PRINGLE

Well done Mr Jones! I really appreciate when a man recognizes his own mistakes... Carry on!

MR JONES

Sure Mr Pringle... Certainly. So... What kind of activity are you looking for?

MR PRINGLE

Anything licit please.

MR JONES

Pardon me?!

MR PRINGLE

Well I don't know what you've got for me, you never know... But I'll expect something legal and honorable. (whispers) You can keep the other jobs for other kinds of people... If You know what I mean?

MR JONES (upset)

Excuse me Mr Pringle... Our agency is respectful. It has many years of tradition in good services.

MR PRINGLE

No doubt about it Mr Jones. I understand that... That's really good of you to tell me. So... What do you have there for me?

MR JONES (disconcerted)

Erm... What are your skills?

MR PRINGLE

My skills?... Oh I have lots of them.

MR JONES

Yes... So... What are they then? What do you do?

MR PRINGLE

I can do everything. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I'm not a picky person.

MR JONES

Sure you're not, but... but that seems a bit too vague. Can you be more accurate?

MR PRINGLE

Oh that sounds terrific... When I can start?

MR JONES

What do you mean?

MR PRINGLE

A curator! Sounds perfect to me.

MR JONES

No... no... I meant accurate... Precise.You must be more specific about your experience. So I can help you find an occupation.

MR PRINGLE

For a curator? Well I did all the sticker collections about art and museums when I was ten. If you think, it is very impressive for a little child. I also did the football season of '73... In fact I think I only missed the keeper of Manchester United... Anyway they became second to last so it looks like it was useless to have a keeper... You know...

MR JONES (interrupting)

Please, please Mr Pringle... Can you stop and focus?!

MR PRINGLE

That's interesting too... But I think I'll prefer the position of curator. Being still and focused can be a bit hard on my back. Its my hernia. A pain...

MR JONES (desperate)

No... No... No... I didn't mean that... I think you're going to fast. I'm just wondering about your skills.

MR PRINGLE

Oh! My skills... I see what you mean.

MR JONES

Great! Now we've got something!

MR PRINGLE

Really?! Oh please tell me! I'm very excited about it!

MR JONES

Erm... It's an expression.

MR PRINGLE

A dramatic?

MR JONES

Dramatic? dramatic what?

MR PRINGLE

You said you've got an expression. I thought you were talking about dramatic expression, but I'm not good  in theatre at all. I can't face all those people looking at me.

MR JONES (sigh)

I see... a shy person.

MR PRINGLE

Oh that one sounds good too. Especially if it is shining old cars. I love a nice TLC.

MR JONES

No... No... Mr Pringle... It's not a polish occupation...

MR PRINGLE

Perfect to me. I'm not Polish, I'm British.

MR JONES

Yes... whatever... I'm sure you are Mr Pringle. Can I ask you to be quiet for a minute? You see... In silence, so I can tell you all of the options we have here that could be suitable for you. 

MR PRINGLE

Oh spiffing! Go ahead Mr Jones. You are very professional!

MR JONES (patiently)

Thank you Mr Pringle. I shall carry on then.

fx sound: handling papers

MR JONES

Let's see... I have a position here as pharmacist's assistant. Your duty will be to prepare prescriptions and attend to the customer, handling and storing of medicines and medications... What do you think?

MR PRINGLE

Erm... I really don't know... Do I have to handle tablets?

MR JONES

Surely.

MR PRINGLE

That is not a job for me. I heard we get into much trouble if we drop one. See, my hands are a bit big. That's why I never buy "nerds", they fall from my hands before i can eat them. I don't want to be in trouble for that! I may lose a tablet and get fired for that.

MR JONES

Well... I don't believe they would fire you if you drop a tablet... You only need a bit of extra care, manners, perhaps a training day.

MR PRINGLE

I don't think so. I prefer something more quiet. I'm not expecting too much exercise in my new job.

MR JONES (gasps)

May I ask you about anything you would like to do? Any favorite thing?

MR PRINGLE

As I told you, I'm an easy going person. I will do any job with a smile on my face.

MR JONES

Could you give any clues?

MR PRINGLE (GIGGLES)

You've almost got me now.

MR JONES

what?!

MR PRINGLE

You just asked me for clues! Have you got any spy stuff... or secret agent. Maybe a detective duty?

MR JONES

No Mr Pringle. I was just asking you about preferences. We never have those kind of jobs here. You see... It's probably government secret stuff.

MR PRINGLE

Humm... So you think it's too secret. Come on... feel free. I will not tell anybody.

MR JONES

No Mr Pringle. Its out of our range of services. We don´t deal with those positions here.

MR PRINGLE

Oh I see... It's more like on her Majesty's secret service. No worries. For your own protection, just pretend we never had this conversation.

MR JONES (fed up)

Don´t worry sir. I believe I'm absolutely safe here.

MR PRINGLE

I tell you what. I will make a call to Buckingham Palace and tell them you were very professional and didn't tell me anything about the secret agents.

MR JONES

No... no... It's fine... I believe it is not necessary... Erm... You see... I didn´t tell you nothing about it, so you are just going to leave this office with the same empty brain you had before you came in.

MR PRINGLE

I don't understand what you're supposed to mean, but it sounds quite right to me.

MR JONES

I'm glad that we agree on something.

MR PRINGLE

Spiffing!

MR JONES

I tell you what... Let's make this easier. I will read my jobs list and you just say yes or no.

MR PRINGLE

Yes...

MR JONES

Great.

MR PRINGLE

Or no.

MR JONES

That's it... Yes or No.

MR PRINGLE

Sounds like a game to me. I like it!

MR JONES (INTERRUPTING)

Mr. Pringle... Just yes or no please.And yes, it is just like a game where you can't say yes or no, but aux contraire. You can only say two words.

MR PRINGLE

May i say we are wasting time. I know the two words... Yes or No.

MR JONES (FED UP)

Oh dear...

MR PRINGLE

Can you keep your professional distance please? We can have a beer in the pub one of these days, but now it will be more appropriate if you call me Mr. Pringle, not "dear". Someone could hear you and think that you have a preference to finding me a job position.

MR JONES (Getting mad)

Sure Mr. Pringle (remarks) I'm sure no one will hear us anyway... Shall we start Mr. Pringle?

MR PRINGLE

All ears... carry on!

MR JONES (DESPERATE)

Good... remember, just Yes or No. Flower Shop Assistant?

MR PRINGLE

I'm allergic...

MR JONES (INTERRUPTING)

Mr. Pringle... Yes or No?

MR PRINGLE

No.

MR JONES

Window cleaner?

MR PRINGLE

My fingers crack with detergent... No.

MR JONES

Yes or no Mr Pringle?!

MR PRINGLE

I said no!

MR JONES

But you commented too!

MR PRINGLE

Oh... yes...

MR JONES

Yes?! You want me to keep this open?

MR PRINGLE

Which one?

MR JONES

The windows.

MR PRINGLE

Why do you want to open the window?!

MR JONES

I'm talking about this folder... Window cleaner.

MR PRINGLE

Why?

MR JONES (DESPERATE)

Because you said yes.

MR PRINGLE

No, no... I said yes to your comment and said NO to the job... You know what Mr Jones? You are a bit confused now.

MR JONES

How so?

MR PRINGLE

You see? You are a bit messy... Do you need a glass of water with sugar? Or maybe a tea... I could ask miss to prepare something for you...

MR JONES

I'm perfect you see? I'm absolutely perfect! Now shut up!

MR PRINGLE

What?! That's rude! please can i ask you to be more polite?

MR JONES

If you don't be quiet, I can´t do my job! Do you understand?

MR PRINGLE

absolutely!

MR JONES

Good. Now, don't even open your mouth unless I ask you something. Is that clear?

MR PRINGLE

Clear and harsh! You should take some holidays, this is getting a bit... Uncomfortable for me.

MR JONES!

Good! maybe it is a terrific idea, why you don't just leave? I can give you many contacts of other agencies that you can go to.

MR PRINGLE

But you didn´t finish your list...

MR JONES (ironic)

Oh yes... the list... Right... Shut up and I will answer that!

MR PRINGLE

But...

MR JONES (Furious)

Let's see... Flower shop assistant... too idiot to handle it... and plus... allergic to bees and daffodils! You may end shooting the fire extinguisher accidentally and killing all the plants... More... Window cleaner... Too stupid to be on top of a ladder... and of course the allergy to the detergents. That's just an issue but anyway it's dangerous to have you on top of a ladder with a bucket full of dirty water, in the middle of a street... So I'll carry on... Bakery assistant... you would poison someone... I believe you're too dumb to distinguish rat poison from sugar... Policeman... what a joke... Oh this could be an option... Clown!.. It's perfect for you, and you don't even need make-up... oh bother! the position is already filled... let's see... lollipop man... no way... there are children crossing the road under your supervision. See Mr Pringle? No jobs available for you. thank you very much for your attention and now please, just leave as I have more appointments.

MR PRINGLE

Wow!

MR JONES

Hum?!

MR PRINGLE (amazed)

How can you do that?

MR JONES

What?!

MR PRINGLE

Such an accurate analysis. I may say it was a bit rude but precisely accurate! You are a true professional! I'm really amazed. I believed only my mother could know me so well... I will recommend your services.

MR JONES

Thank You very much. Now leave... for god sake... get out of here!

MR PRINGLE

Sure Mr Jones. I will come back in a couple of weeks to see what you have.

MR JONES

No Mr Pringle... Not at all! We are moving... we are out of business. We are closing today! No more jobs... Ending... Kaput!

MR PRINGLE

I'm sorry to hear that...

MR JONES

Oh... oh... Wait... Would you like to clean the public toilets at the railway station?! Would you?!

MR PRINGLE

Well if there is no other option...

MR JONES

Well, I tell you... Not even that is available for you!

Sound: Mr Jones stands up and leaves the room with a big slam with the door

MR PRINGLE

What a nerve!

Sound: the receptionist enters the room

RECEPTIONIST

Oh... is everything alright?

MR PRINGLE

I think so... Mr Jones was a bit upset.

RECEPTIONIST

Really? He is such a nice person and this morning he was really happy.

MR PRINGLE

That's strange... perhaps it's the bad news. He's probably sad because He is closing the business.

RECEPTIONIST

What?!

MR PRINGLE

He didn't tell you? He just told me now, that today is the last day here. He is closing the office.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh my god... He didn't tell me... (IN TEARS) What I'm going to do now?! I have a little baby to take care of...

MR PRINGLE

That's sound harsh to me... I wasn't expecting that from someone I thought was a gentleman.

RECEPTIONIST

He has always so good to me... He even used to give me extra salary at Christmas so i could buy presents for my family...

MR PRINGLE

Now you see... Sometimes under the most soft sheep fur you find the worst wolf. I tell you what... I will go to find him and I will teach him how to treat a lady.

RECEPTIONIST

No, no please... I will deal with him... I hope He still has money to pay me, and I don't want to make these things worse.

MR PRINGLE

I understand... Listen, this is my card with my number, if you need just call me and I will put him in his place.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh Mr Pringle... It's very kind of you, but i think it will not be necessary.

Sound: door opens

MR JONES

Mrs. Marlow do we have more customers?... (SEES MR PRINGLE) Oh what are you still doing here?

MR PRINGLE

I just told Miss what kind of man you are and what are the expectations about this office. look at the poor girl, you've put her in tears.

RECEPTIONIST

Mr Jones...  I would at least expect a bit more decency... you could have told me with more time...

MR JONES (surprised)

Tell you what?!

MR PRINGLE

Hey... don't make yourself out to be an innocent! You just told me you're going to close this office... Are you going to leave this lovely mother without a job? look at her so sad! Thinking how will she be able to feed her baby... how cruel is that? You're not a man... You are an hamster! A coward!

MR JONES

What?! I don't understand what  you are trying to say...

RECEPTIONIST

Tell me it's not true Mr Jones... I was always  a good and honest worker... Tell me this is not the last day.

MR JONES

Oh my God... What have you said to her you silly man?!

MR PRINGLE

The truth. Nothing but the truth. I just told her what you told me. This is the last day of the office... Remember? We are moving... We are out of business... We are closing today... No more jobs... Ending... Kaput...

RECEPTIONIST

Is this true Mr. Jones? Did you say that?

MR JONES

Erm... Well i did...

(The recepcionist starts to cry)

MR JONES

But I didn't mean it... Sorry... I can explain Mrs Marlow...

MR PRINGLE

How dare you. You've shown no respect to this lady... You know what? I'm leaving... And I will not recommend this agency to anyone... Well good day Mr. Jones.

SOM: Slams the door